


"Sorry Ma'am I need my emotional support lesbian"

by putyourpantson



Series: putyourpantson's chat fics [5]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Ah Yes Actual Content, Angst only at the beginning, F/F, F/M, Fuck Peter Lukas, I love the characters, M/M, Not beta read we kayak like Tim, fuck elias, jon did die but his friends didn't abandon him bc that's not gucci, just the crappiest chatfic ever, lets go lesbianssss, lord help me, this has been done before but as a crappy chatfic guy I needed to, uhhhh starting in my au of season three because fuck you, what i says goes cause i'm petty like that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:42:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28879659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putyourpantson/pseuds/putyourpantson
Summary: Tomathy: guys guys guyssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss CODE GREENSasha Shame: wait reallyspill the tea sus: u better not be shitting me timTomathy: martin, my dearest lovliest martin, would i ever lie to uSasha Shame: yesbhussain: yestoad: yesa kNIFE: i mean yeahCook: yep--------AU where basically I take over for s3/s4ish and yay! No Unknowing but Jon got roped into the circus' thing, then died and came back, Martin cried a lot but oh well, NO ONE BLAMES JON, fuck elias, Sasha and Tim and everyone else lives because I'm attached, etc.I'm pretty sure this is really similar to some of the other chat fics here so if I am!! let me know and I'll put you in the summary because idk how to do the 'inspired by' or whatever akjsdhgklgj
Relationships: Basira Hussain & Melanie King & Alice "Daisy" Tonner & Jonathan Sims, Basira Hussain/Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Series: putyourpantson's chat fics [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1750240
Comments: 8
Kudos: 55





	1. so it starts

_~~Sims~~ Baywatch_

_4:00 PM_

Tomathy: guys guys guyssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss CODE GREEN

Sasha Shame: wait really

spill the tea sus: u better not be shitting me tim

Tomathy: martin, my dearest lovliest martin, would i ever lie to u

Sasha Shame: yes

bhussain: yes

toad: yes

a kNIFE: i mean yeah

Cook: yep

toad: did u fuckin change our usernames again stoker

Tomathy: uhhh

Tomathy: no comment

_toad changed their user to daisy_

_bhussain changed daisy's user to toad_

bhussain: its funny

toad: -_-

spill the tea sus: wait Tim you said Code Green??

Tomathy: yeah guys look!

Tomathy: [image.png]

_[Image ID:_

_a blurry selfie of him next to a miraculously alive Jon. Jon's frowning at the camera, Tim's grinning, and probably trying to make sure the camera's showing Jon._

_End ID.]_

spill the tea sus: holy shit I'm on my way

Sasha Shame: yea me too

_~~Sims~~ Baywatch_

_9:00 PM_

_Tomathy added Jonathan Sims to the chat_

Jonathan Sims: uh

Jonathan Sims: hello

spill the tea sus: hi jon!!!!

Jonathan Sims: Thank you Martin

Jonathan Sims: well I have some good news and some bad news.

Jonathan Sims: I may need you all to come to my office tomorrow so I can tell you all.

Cook: what about me jon boy

Cook: dammit Tim it's catching onto me

Tomathy: :3

Jonathan Sims: you too georgie, you can come if you want.

Cook: eyyy thank

toad: hmm. okay


	2. haha entities go brrr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy

_~~Sims~~ Baywatch_

_10:00 AM_

Tomathy: Well.

Sasha Shame: the word you're looking for is 'fuck'

daisy: yeah

Cook: so hold up

Cook: Jon is now an avatar. Eye hates Elias. Eye does not care for Elias, just wants to see fear. We still need Elias due to bullshit. Peter Lukas is his husband(?) and uhhhhh Jon has spooky scary skeleton abilities

Jonathan Sims: ...more or less. That's not entirely what it is, but its what I can figure.

spill the tea sus: wait i'm still condused, so elisa is marking u?????

Jonathan SIms: yes, I believe so. 

Jonathan Sims: which means I'll have to be more...cautious.

spill the tea sus: oh thank fuck

Tomathy: won't agree with mart there but yeah this isn't a bad thing at all

Cook: maybe u'll take care of urslf today!! who knows!!

Jonathan Sims: unlikely.

Cook: >:(((

spill the tea sus: jon no

Sasha Shame: do u know what jon

Jonathan Sims: ....fine.

Jonathan Sims: haha facing scary entities alone go brrrrr

toad: what does that mean

Tomathy: KAJSDJLGHKJKJAA

Tomathy: HOLY EFFIN SHIT ASDJKKLGJJLKJAKG

spill the tea sus: wHY

bhussain: i leave the chat alone for one damn minute and y'all explode

_Tomathy changed Jonathan Sim's user to furry?_

furry?: how did my meme equate to furries

Tomathy: well y'see boss

Tomathy: I like to annoy you so

Tomathy: yeah

Sasha Shame: don't be mean tim >:(

_Sasha Shame changed furry?'s user to mahtin_

Sasha Shame: there :)

spill the tea sus: aksdjflkjLJALKDSJGKL;HJLKJ;

toad: i'm sorry but what

toad: what is the abbreviation for

toad: what are those

Tomathy:they are my CROCS

toad: what

a kNIFE: wait 

a kNIFE: do u....not kno waht memes r???????????

toad: i guess?

mahtin: that's not poggers

spill the tea sus: JskdlfaklaslgsjdKFADLJSKG????

Tomathy: WH-

Tomathy: WHATT HE FUCK

Sasha Shame: awww ur learning Jon :)

bhussain: can confirm daisy knows naught of memes

Sasha Shame: aw it's okie

Sasha Shame: if I can teach Jon then i can teach daisy

mahtin: thank you sasha

Sasha Shame: <3

_"the council"_

_1:00 PM_

_Melanie King created this chat_

_Melanie King added Georgie Baker, Basira Hussain, Daisy Tonner, and Jonathan Sims_

Melanie King: so our last chat got deleted and that's a damn shame so

Melanie King: here is the new 'lesbians advise jon' chat

Melanie King: first order of business

_Melanie KIng changed Jonathan Sims's user to That Would Be Aces_

_Melanie King changed their user to stab elias_

_stab elias changed Georgie Baker's user to BiQueen_

_stab elias changed Basira Hussain's user to princess peach_

_stab elias changed Daisy Tonner's user to princess daisy_

princess peach: why

stab elias: u know they should be dating

That Would Be Aces: am i allowed to agree or

stab elias: yes u are child

That Would Be Aces: pog

stab elias: stop saying that

princess daisy: oh worm?

stab elias: LAKSJRLKGDJ

princess daisy: huh


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this just blew up what the FUCK you guys
> 
> 28 kudos and 3 bookmarks in a day hoo wee y'all need more content

_~~Sims~~ Baywatch_

_12:00 PM_

Tomathy: aight so

mahtin: oh no.

Tomathy: what?????

mahtin: I've learned that you don't tend to think when you opened your mouth, and less so when you start to chat things.

spill the tea sus: kasdhkjgljkjKLJAKSLDJG

Sasha Shame: rip martinnnnnn

Tomathy: nah nah I meant likeeeee

Tomathy: we need a new chat name since Jon's alive for some reason

mahtin: ah fuck you

a kNIFE: fair lmaooooooo

_Tomathy changed the chat name to my little pony discourse_

mahtin: what discourse is there

Tomathy: well okay so

toad: fuck i can't believe you're doing this

Sasha Shame: not quite right dais but ur getting there

Tomathy: there's two 'earth ponies' (normal ponies) in the show and both of them were on farms at some point

bhussain: wait a minute

bhussain: wasn't there the pink one?????

Sasha Shame: yeah pinkie pie

Sasha Shame: she worked on a rock farm until she became a party pony

toad: isn't that a quarry

a kNIFE: nah that's different, they grew the rocks on the farm

toad: wtf

Cook: holy shit

mahtin: no there was Olivia, the pony who played cello. It's not shown for her to be from a farm

Tomathy: that we know of

mahtin: yeah that we know of

spill the tea sus: also, just to add on, the alicorns are princesses and the pegasi have like actual jobs (maintaining weather, and the animals,) and the unicorns are free to chase their ambitions. like the purple one can chase magic and the one with purple hair can do fashion and stuff

Tomathy: this just in, my little pony may be racist

a kNIFE: omfg

a kNIFE: see I can't argue with that but I know it's not right but it's so much funnier to say that it is.

Cook: ^^^

Cook: small brain: mlp is a normal kids show

Cook: normal brain: mlp is an okay show

Cook: Giant brain: mlp is a racists show

Tomathy: akdsjkfl lmaooo

Tomathy: but yeah I meannnnnn

Tomathy: I meANNNNNNN

mahtin: why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?

spill the tea sus: kasdjkhgjkj

_adBIsary board_

_12:12 AM_

rip martin: guys guys GUYS listen I know this chat's been dead BUT

adBIsor Time: yes because jon has also been dead

adBIsor Saranwrap: to the corner tim

adBIsor Time: ajdsklf sorry, sorry

adBIsor God: i cant believe all it takes for martin to become Super Gay is for jon to use memes correctly

rip martin: hush georgina i need to panic

adBIsor Time: you know 

adBIsor God: oh no

adBIsor Time: no no this is good

adBIsor Time: what if we dressed u up?? just one day ;P

adBIsor God: hmmmm

adBIsor God: yeah that might be a good idea

adBIsor Saranwrap: may god forgive me for agreeing that we should do this

adBIsor Time: well mahtin what do you think

rip martin: if you never call me that again then I'll do it

adBIsor Time: great! we'll all convene at my house before work tomorrow so we can get martin all dressed up for tomorrow, everyone bring cool clothes

rip martin: i have so many regrets already

adBIsor Time: too late :))))

rip martin: D:

_my little pony discourse_

_12:23 PM_

toad: if you all don't mind

_toad changed the chat name to The Return of the King_

toad: thank you Sasha

Sasha Shame: yes daisy ur welcome

bhussain: lmao

a kNIFE: ah yes a woman of culture

Cook: indeedst

mahtin: hrngh

mahtin: you do know this means that I'm the king then

toad: why is there a problem

mahtin: ...no.

toad: that's what I thought

_The Return of the KIng_

_9:00 AM_

mahtin: Even though we're technically prisoners of the eye, I'd like to get some work done today. Where are all of you.

Tomathy: hold ur hay boss were omw

toad: isn't it hold ur horses

Tomathy: yes yes and all the kings horses and men couldn't put humpty together again your point

toad: wtf

a kNIFE: hush let the man speak

toad: no

a kNIFE: fair

mahtin: I see you're all coming never mind

mahtin: ajksdkgl

Tomathy: was that a fuckin keysmash

mahtin: i dropped my phone thats all

_"the council"_

_9:13 AM_

That Would Be Aces: holy akjsdkglj

That Would Be Aces: akjshdfjlghg

stab elias: are u okay

That Would Be Aces: no

BiQueen: ????

That Would Be Aces: uhhh it's just

That Would Be Aces: uhm

That Would Be Aces: wellll

princess daisy: it's martin's skirt isn't it

That Would Be Aces: er

That Would Be Aces: perhaps

BiQueen: oH LMAOOOOOOOOOOO

stab elias: holy fffucckkkkk

princess peach: .............hmmmmmmmm

That Would Be Aces: one word and I'll reveal the names of all your guys' stuffed animals when you were children

princess daisy: bold of you to assume I won't proudly stand for the name I picked for my stuffed horse as a child

That Would Be Aces: fair but hush please

princess peach: we'll be quiet about it jon

_Untitled chat_

_9:14 AM_

_Georgie Baker created a chat_

_Georgie Baker added Daisy Tonner, Basira Hussain, Sasha James, Melanie King, and Tim Stoker to the chat_

_Georgie Baker changed the chat name to jonmartin_

Tim Stoker: I thought we agreed that that name was stupid last time we had a chat like this????

Sasha James: yeah but tbf it's grown on us

Daisy Tonner: we should still rename it in case they see it

Melanie King: good point

_Georgie Baker changed the chat name to ah to be a hopeless gay in a romcom horror movie_

Georgie Baker: is that better

Tim Stoker: extremely

Sasha James: wait

Sasha James: why are we bringing this back???

Sasha James: i thought only martin has a crush on jon

Basira Hussain: think again!

Tim Stoker: holy shit

Tim Stoker: mahtinuwu.png

[IMAGE ID:

Jon stares at Martin from the background. His mouth is just short of hanging open and his face is red. Martin looks a little embarrassed to have his photo taken (Tim just cornered him and said 'photo, _now_ ' so there's that,) but he's rocking a pastel yellow skirtall that he borrowed from Georgie.

END ID]

Tim Stoker: yknow

Tim Stoker: it might be close to chapter 1,0000 for this slow fucking burn

Sasha James: that's not how you put numbers

Tim Stoker: love of my life

Tim Stoker: soulmate

Tim Stoker: bane to my sadness

Tim Stoker: if i want to put 1,0000 then I think i should be allowed

Tim Stoker: pwease

Sasha James: well only since you asked so nicely

Tim Stoker: wicked thank you :>

Sasha James: :>

Basira Hussain: get a room

Tim Stoker: no <3

**Author's Note:**

> putyourpantson is typing...


End file.
